Help! My Toddler’s Tantrums Are Next Level—What Do I Do?
Why Do Tantrums Happen?
Toddlers have big emotions and lack impulse control. Their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, impulse control, and emotional regulation—is still under construction. This means that when they’re overwhelmed or frustrated, their emotions take over and explode before they can think through their response. You still don’t know what is causing your toddler’s tantrums? I have a blog on that!
Toddlers feel everything at full speed, but their ability to hit the brakes and calm down just isn’t there yet.
So, what actually helps?
Here’s a 3-step approach to help you in those moments—without giving in or making tantrums worse in the long run.
The 3-Step Tantrum Plan
1. Stay Calm (Even When They’re Not)
Tantrums can be contagious. If your child is tantruming and you get frustrated, yell, or try to reason with them mid-scream, their emotions will escalate. Instead, demonstrate the calm they can’t access quite yet. Show them what it looks like to self regulate. This is easier said than done 🫠
Try this:
- “You’re really upset right now. I’m here..” Different kids need different things. Does your child need a tight hug? Space? A splash of cold water on their face? Over time (and tantrums), you will learn exactly what they need.
- Keep your voice steady, use fewer words, and avoid long explanations.
Why this works:
Your child’s nervous system is looking for cues from you. If you stay calm and predictable, you signal safety, helping them move through the big feelings faster.
2. Validate First, Then Set a Clear Limit
Validating their feelings helps them feel heard. And a child who feels understood is way more likely to move on.
Try this:
“I see you’re really mad that we can’t stay at the park. It’s okay to feel upset.” (This helps them feel heard instead of ignored or shut down.)
Then, set the boundary clearly: “It’s time to go. You can walk or I can carry you.” (Simple, firm, and gives them a little control.)
Why this works:
Studies show that when parents consistently acknowledge feelings while holding firm boundaries, kids develop better emotional regulation over time. It teaches them: It’s okay to feel big emotions, but there are still limits.
3. Offer a Reset or Move On
Once the peak of the tantrum has passed, help them transition without dragging it out.
Try this:
“Do you want a hug or to read a book together?” (This offers a calm way to reconnect without making the tantrum a big event.)
Why this works:
Shifting focus helps their brain move forward, and giving a small choice (like a hug or book) builds confidence in managing their own emotions.
What Not to Do (The Tantrum Mistakes Parents Make)
❌ Giving In: If you say no, then cave when they scream, they’ll learn: tantrums = getting what I want. (Instead, stay firm but empathetic.)
❌ Over-Explaining Mid-Tantrum: Their brain isn’t in “logic mode” during a meltdown. Save the reasoning for later.
❌ Punishing Emotions: Saying “Stop crying” or “That’s enough” teaches them to suppress emotions rather than process them. Instead, help them name their feelings and move through them.
Tantrums are developmentally normal—they don’t mean you’re failing as a parent. The goal isn’t to eliminate tantrums, but to help your child learn emotional regulation over time. With consistency, your toddler will eventually gain the skills to handle frustration in a healthier way.
Try this today: The next time a tantrum starts, validate first, then set a clear limit. It won’t work instantly, but over time, it will make a difference.
